I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
