We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
