if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
