dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
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We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
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Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"