apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.