I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
