he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
