You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
