I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
