i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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