as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
