i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
