my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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