weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
