True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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