i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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