i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
