Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
