BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
