You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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