i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
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This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
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Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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