Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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