And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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