Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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