saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You made out with two different species that night
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
