There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
