My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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