Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
