Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
