Where did you get a picture of my penis
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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