Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It was confusing and full of hummus
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
