If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
