yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
