Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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