If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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