I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I need a beard to bite.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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