He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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