He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
