I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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