Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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