Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
