she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
