How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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