Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
