Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I smell like Dick and happiness
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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