i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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