That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
