Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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