We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
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my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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