We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
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the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
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Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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