My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
