I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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