She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
