Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
