I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Found the puke drawer
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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