I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
