the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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