i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
