so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
