I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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